Merry Picklemas!

Welp, it's Christmas.  I spent Christmas Eve alone in the doorway of the Scientology building, as there was too much garbage stuffed in my abandoned newspaper receptacle home to inhabit it.  That's ok, this is way more exciting than being in someone's closet all year.  I'm seeing so much of the world already and it's only been about a week since I've been out on my own.  I rolled down the Hollywood Walk of Fame today and saw so many cool stars.  I started dreaming that maybe one day one of them could say "Pickle".  I am so totally in the Christmas spirit, I am seriously about to crack.  I rolled over to the intersection of Hollywood and Vine and found Jimmy Stewart's star!  How fabulous and relevant!  

It's a wonderful life indeed.  I sure have a lot to be grateful for.  For starters, I'm hella good looking.  My sparkly swirls glitter in the moonlight and I resemble NGC 5033, one of the sexiest spiral galaxies known to Hubble.  I am also a Columbia 300 model made from Columbia Industries.  I'm kind of a "big deal" in the bowling world.  Also, I'm indestructible.  I'll still be around when robots take over the world.  I'll get to see humans colonize Mars and I'll survive the nuclear blast that destroys the earth.  Then it'll just be me and all the other bowling balls left here and we will rule everything.  We'll rebuild and create a new landscape made entirely of freshly oiled lanes.  There will be NO gutters ANYWHERE.  Bowling ball Heaven!

  

Ride the Lightning

After some trial and error (and ending up way over in Cerritos), I think I finally figured out the bus lines.  What sucks is that I roll off most bus stop benches and go flying into the intersection when I don't use my core and balance carefully on my thumb hole.  

Luckily I befriended a really cool business man who takes me everywhere I want to go for free.  In exchange I keep mum about the cocaine baggies he hides in my three orifices.  The things I know about him so far are that he really likes sweet cereal, taxidermy, and mortgage refinancing. 

He had some business in Marina del Rey the other day so I got to explore the docks.  Wow, boats are so beautiful.  What I wouldn't give to go sailing in a yacht and eat fancy cheeses and be able to say things like, "I know the difference between a nautical mile and a regular mile!" and, "Boy I sure am glad my drug mule days are over!"  I found the sound of the water rippling against the pier invigorating as my new acquaintance threw me in his trunk and burned rubber down Venice.

As for the holidays, I'm hoping the guy will at least take me out for a Christmas Eve meal at Yoshinoya.  Fingers crossed he isn't in one of his "moods".  Next Thursday we pick up his dead hamster which he is having stuffed and made into a tree ornament.  

Not sure what I will do on Christmas day...probably roll around, do some window shopping or touristy stuff, maybe catch a movie.  Or turn myself in as evidence.  

  

Changing Lanes

Hi, I'm Pickle!

Here's the deal.  

Anthony accidentally left me at the bowling alley.  The big dope grabbed his kid, jammed some leftover pizza into his cargo pockets and took off.  He never came back, so the next morning, I headed out.  To find my destiny.  To find myself.  To find some boba.

It wasn't long before I found a nice new home in an abandoned newspaper receptacle.  It's cozy, it's just my size, and it offers a nice view of parked cars.  It was either that or a rusty bread bin I found in someone's garbage but I'm allergic to gluten.  I guess it's all part of the adventure. 

I'm eager to explore the world, make my mark, meet new friends and create a life for myself.  Sure I have abandonment issues, and sure my drilling configuration is ludicrous.  Aaaand I have no money.  Or charisma.  Or talent.  Or self-esteem.  But mark my words.  It's my time to shine.  No more bowling for me, no siree.  As of today, I am officially ON STRIKE.